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And Now For Something Completely Different

A side of me no one knows.  (Shellie, you might not want to read this one.) Wink

I go through these phases fairly often where I just don't care about anything at all and I have to force myself to even function.  The last couple of days have been this way, where I'm in a sour mood and would rather just sit alone in a closet with my eyes closed and my hands over my ears than to deal with everyday life.  During these times, I am put off by anyone and anything.  I scream a lot - and loudly - while I'm in my car alone.  I have a pit of rage in my chest, physically pressing against my flesh.  I don't want to work or go to school or see the animals or talk on the phone ever again.  When I'm in these moods, I don't feel like I can deal with one other single person or I'll explode.  I feel I'm stupid and ugly and fat and mean.  I feel like it's my last straw, like I will never care about anything again and I need to just crawl into a hole and be alone for the rest of my life.  I become lost with no direction and no desire.

When I feel better, I look back and think about all those thoughts and think how dramatic it is, that I don't feel that way at all.  I end up playing it off as a normal bad mood and never end up saying anything about how I really feel.  I think it's just my overactive mind making seem worse than it was, and I can't imagine actually feeling those things.   But then the next time it hits me, it's just as real and just as thick.

I'm in one of my funks right now.  I did just get some bad news last night, but it's nothing to do with that - I was feeling shitty before that phone call.  Nothing in particular sets it off - it just sneaks up on me and pounces like a pissed-off cat.  It starts out with feeling a little sad and then accumulates.  Then, just like it came on, it leaves and I'm normal again.

I recently admitted to a group of friends that something might be wrong with me because I have no brain function - I forget everything.  These moods are another reason I think something is amiss in la cabeza.   I still always think I'm overreacting to the way my mind feels.  But, seriously, is this normal to feel this way?  People sure don't talk about it if it is. 

What say you readers?

February 17, 2006 10:03 AM |
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Comments

It's the whole "white elephant" thing and the "emperor has no clothes". I think we all have days like these and we all have ways in which we deal with them. I call them my lazy days, where I don't want to do sh*t! And that's bad when I have to do stuff for a DH and 3 kids! But ya know what? I allow myself these days! Hell! I've been sane for 41 years of my life!! Dammit I deserve to feel like shit once and a while and it's ok to want to just cry! Cause I'm proud of surviving every day for the past 41 years of my life! Hmmmm. Ok, there! now I feel better! WhoooHoooo thanks chase you can vent with me anytime. Pat yourself on the back chasey...life is tough.. and you haven't lost it yet. Go get some icecream and plan a night of watching those movies that make you cry and you will be ok. We all luvs ya even when your alittle crazy!!
Posted by Muse at February 17, 2006 01:10 PM

(((((Chasey)))))) We all at CIC think the world of you.
Posted by Michelle at February 17, 2006 01:33 PM

menopause?
Posted by Chanakin at February 17, 2006 04:19 PM

((chasey)) I was wondering what had happened to you these past couple of days. I think we all have those moments. I don't think you are crazy at all. We all cope with things in different ways and sometimes, if that is what it takes to cope with the world, then that is what is done. Luv ya! -Me
Posted by Miracle at February 18, 2006 10:09 AM

It's that existential thing...no kidding. No, really, I'm serious. I know exactly what you're talking about, where it can't be located in anything in particular but you know something is just terribly wrong. It's when what you're doing and what you know is possible are worlds apart. There isn't anything wrong with your brain. It's your brain (and your soul and your heart and every cell in your body) screaming to be free from the mundane ways we live.... I got to your post here because I saw you'd posted about What Is Enlightenment? Magazine, and the website, www.wie.org . . . I won't hide it, I work there and I must say that those bouts of "holy shit I have so much rage in my chest I can't contain it" moments have evaporated since I realized what the hell I am doing here on this planet. Let's talk more! Laura
Posted by Laura at February 18, 2006 05:51 PM

I have those days. In fact, I have a lot of those days. But they are usually only when I don't take my meds. I'm diagnosed with "major depression". I take Lexapro and it's great. But if I run out or skip a day or two--woe unto the stupid bitch that gets in my way. There is a fury that starts in the pit of my stomache and I know that if I allow myself to mingle with the rest of society, it will be ugly. I try as hard as I can to stuff the anger down, but it will come out. My suggestion (take it or leave it) is to discuss this with a shrink. I personally am not ashamed that I am on meds. Everyone who knows me knows about the meds and they are pleased as punch I'm on them. It has made a world of difference in my life. Sorry that's so long. And thanks for visiting my site. I enjoy yours too. Chilihead
Posted by chilihead at February 18, 2006 08:29 PM

hfs. i have so much catching up to do. so if you hadn't noticed....i don't post on the weekends b/c I don't have a computer at home. so i always feel so out of the loop on mondays!!!! reading...now.
Posted by stell at February 21, 2006 08:58 AM

hmm. i don't have those kind of moments...but i do have my own. instead of angry and disconnected...i feel anxious, really really anxious. and its intense. and it comes and goes. and i take lexapro as well. and it really helps neutralize that feeling.
Posted by the stellameister at February 21, 2006 09:04 AM

chasey I am there w/you on these days/moods. Darlin can now recognize when my "horns" are popping out of the side of my head and once thought I really was gonna throttle the stupid checker at the store!! Mine usually last 3-4 days at a time and I know that stress is a major factor for me. I have not tried any meds for almost 2 yrs. I tried to take Lexapro too, lets just say it wasn't for me and now I'm scared to death of any of these meds. I supposed being forced into instant menopause at age 37 didn't help either. The most important thing I have to say to you is this. There have been many times you have pulled me out of my funks and I can't thank you enough for being there and caring...I care too.
Posted by rodeomom at February 22, 2006 07:15 PM