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Single + Childless = EVILDOER
My non-married, non-birthing status has finally morphed into "The Enemy". It's sort of always been implied that something just ain't right with me not having a man, a shiny ring, a baby on my tit and stretchmarks proving I'm worthy, but since I've turned 30, those whispers apparently have turned into oh-then-maybe-she's-a-husband-stealer.
The man I used to work for, a man who I love as my own father, has been forbidden to go anywhere with me alone again. Apparently, his wife thinks there's something going on there because god forbid we hang out (like we always have). Let me give you a little background. I've known his family (wife included!) for about 15 years...I was best friends with his daughter...they paid for me to go on family vacations with them...they called me by their last name...I was in their weddings and at their baby showers and there for every single birthday...I am, essentially, another kid. But now? Now that I'm a woman and still not married? I must be after something. WTFFFFF??
There's always a stigma surrounding older, single, childless ladies. What is this about? Is it so bad to not want to get married and have kids that when you make that choice, there's something fundamentally wrong with you? And before you say something about me having a girlfriend - yeah, well, that just happens to be. It's the same whether I'm dating guys or girls.
"You've NEVER been married?"
"You don't have kids? What?! You don't WANT kids?"
"WHY, GOD, WHY?!"
At my 10-year reunion, I was surrounded by all those people I went to school with, and every single one of them had at least one child. Most had more. And, ya know, whatever floats your boat. But stop feeling sorry for me for not having a diamond or a backwards carseat. If I have my way, I will never have those things, thankyouverymuch. That is my choice. Leave me alone about it.
Even advertisers market to married couples - most of them with kids. Next time you watch tv, pay attention to the commercials. All those actors (unless it's for beer or something great like that) have on wedding rings. And they make sure you see that - it's amazing what they know your subconscious picks up. Hi, I'm single and I buy Windex, too. I need shorts and matresses and Can't Believe It's Not Butter. I spend money, advertisers - I spend lots of money. Hi, over here! I'm right here!! It's me, the crazy one without the husband!!
I often relate to the girls on (early) Sex and the City, spending money on baby showers and buying everyone wedding gifts and wondering when MY shower is going to be. Where's my "I'm single and doing just fine" shower? What about my "look, ma, no birthing hips" party?
But, I suppose not having to do all that stuff is my party. Maybe it's its own reward.
I just wish I could register at Pottery Barn for it. Or at least get me a little Target action.
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Comments
Welcome to the world of being a card-carrying non-conformist.
Oh, yeah - and the world of wives with an active imagination and low self-esteem. Too bad about your friend. That is kind of strange, considering your long history with those folks. Maybe he's beginning to say your name aloud in his sleep. :O
Posted by Pappy at May 30, 2006 04:06 PM
So when are you gonna get married and have kids? Just kidding. I sometimes feel guilty because I'm not providing my mother with grandbabies. But you know, I really dont want to have any kids. I may be missing out..... but damn, life is so much simplier with chihuahua's then kids.
Posted by Michelle at May 30, 2006 04:10 PM
LMAO! I was actually JUST reading an article yesterday in Psychology Today(Shut it) about how there is a Singles Revolution. People who choose to be single are starting to become a substantial part of the population. The tide is turning and most are women because we make money and are still expected to do all domestic chores. That sucks ass so many women are saying "f it, I'm staying single and doing my own thing". BTW, my mom the other day told me I was bored because I want a baby. Um, couldn't I just want a hobby or a friend? Why a baby? Moms.
Posted by
Deb_LA at May 30, 2006 04:40 PM
Next time someone gives you an attitude about not having kids, ask them how long they got to sleep in last weekend, or when's the last time they went out somewhere without having to clean an entire dinner off of a kid's face. That should shut them up!
By the way....love the new blog design!!!
Hey, like the new look, baby hater.
Posted by
Karl at May 30, 2006 07:21 PM
Pappy - Hah! Maybe so. That wouldn't be good. :O
Michelle - Har. Har. Har. ;) Well, my brother already (and unhappily) has three kids, so I don't worry about that. The other brother says hell no, too...so that's all the parents are getting!
Deb - I don't know too many of those women. Maybe I need to get out more! And why are you reading Psych Today?! Trying to get help?? ;)
Blondie - Haha! No kidding. The best is not having to worry about ANYTHING - I can eat, sleep, shop, travel...all when I want to. LOVE my freedom. Selfish? Sure! Guilty? NOPE! hehe
Karl - HAHAHAH!! Shut it, you. But thanks!
Posted by
Chase at May 30, 2006 07:32 PM
OK, am I late? I LOVE this new design. I know I've been off my game a little, but when did THAT change?
It sucks about the friend. I hate that. I hate that other people feel sorry for us when we make our own decisions and are quite happy with said decisions. I think they're just pissed we didn't confer with them first.
OMG - we should start this new trend of like...virginal womb registries or something; that would kick much ass.
Ok so granted I am married, but that did not happen until I was 32 and much like you, I always hung out with men in my office just because chicks didn't dig my snarkiness ;).
But the question that moves me to semi-rage is "when are you having kids?" because inevitably it leads to a 34 minute discussion on why we don't have any, don't think we want any, and then having to explain ourselves to the mommy-borg who stare at us blankly as if we are fucktards.
Pshaw, I say!
Posted by
Hilly at May 30, 2006 08:56 PM
It didn't take me learning that you are single and childless to know that you are evil. I knew that anyway. Regardless.
CHASE=EVIL.
Basic math.
Posted by
Kevin at May 31, 2006 08:07 AM
I wouldn't quite call you a baby hater (Karl's comment did make me laugh..:0...a little bit)
At least you know you don't want to have kids. Not like those that have them and then beat or neglect their kids! I understand completely. My sis is the best aunt to my kids and even leads a kids chior but she does not want any kids and has said this from the start. I respect your decision! Don't you DARE feel guilty about a thing! But if you ever want to try it out I will be more than happy to ship ALL 3 of my kids to you on a trial basis! :) Then you would surely be convinced that you have made the right decision! HAAAAA! HAAAAA!!
Posted by Muse at May 31, 2006 10:19 AM
well, you evil ho. i'll be sure to keep my man away from you, too.
that's just ridiculous tripe. maybe if you started collecting stray cats you'd be in the less threatening category of "spinster" and crap like this wouldn't happen. :)
Posted by
jennifer at May 31, 2006 11:29 AM
I love that Hilly just said "mommy-borg".
Posted by
Deb_LA at May 31, 2006 12:50 PM
Well I woz readin' Chili Farmer Monthly the other year an' it woz sayin' how chilis were like a really good contraceptive, 'coz eat enough of 'em an' anytime anyone gets near you they'll burn their lips off.
Problem solved!
Posted by
TC at May 31, 2006 01:08 PM
Chili - haha! No, you're not that behind. I did it the night before you commented on it. It's temporary until I get my pro-design. :)
Hilly - good for you! You know...I went in search for like-minded ladies last night and found www.purplewomen.org Sounds good to me! :)
Kevin - At least you know the real me. I mean, I gotta respect that.
Muse - LOL! I don't mind kids. Usually. As long as they go home fairly quickly and aren't behind me in a movie theater. LOL Your kids can come over - I hope they like the swimming pool because that's where they'll stay! :)
Jennifer - I tried collecting beagles! I guess that doesn't work the same. Heh.
Deb - Hahahha!! I KNOW! Though, of COURSE, they're not all like that. But, sadly, a lot are.
TC - I need the pepper hook-up then!
Posted by
Chase at May 31, 2006 03:36 PM
Well-said. :)
It's difficult dealing with people's judgment about being married and childfree, and I watch my single CF friends go through their own hell. The CF men are seen as downright evil, the women just plain sick.
I know my choice would be much easier to live with without the societal pressure. It's always nice to find likeminded people. I plan to share this post with my CF friends. Thanks for saying it all. :)
it's simple...misery loves company. all your friends and relatives can't stand the idea of you having freedom to think,eat , sleep etc , without hearing"mommy, timmy just shoved a water hose up the dogs.."or "i think i had an accident".
Posted by speedbump at May 31, 2006 10:09 PM
Well I WAS married, and I do have kids - but I am certainly on the bandwagon for not being left out of the loop. Single/divorced mothers are left out of everything - unless it's the "oops, let's not forget the single moms." Not only are we left out of advertising campaigns but of dinner and movie invitations with married friends!
Posted by
Kvetch at June 1, 2006 06:39 AM
I am so completely in the same boat that you're in....
Posted by
Meg at June 1, 2006 08:08 AM
Tiara Lynn - Thanks for stopping by! I love your blog and relate to a lot of the things you say, too. Glad to see you around!
Kvetch - That's very true! I have friends who are single mothers and they often feel the same pressures 'where's daddy?'
Meg - I'm SO glad you commented and emailed me. You and I have tons in common, lady. We need to talk. :)
Posted by
Chase at June 1, 2006 02:00 PM
I can relate SOOO much to what you say about being over 30 and not married, no kids, how selfish....bull total shit. I didn't get married until I was 41...41 I say and that was my choice too. When I went to my 20 year HS reunion, there were no less than 3 fellow students that had 7 kids and multiple grandchildren, and I still had perky boobs. :) Life is a matter of choice...YOUR choice. Good for you!
Posted by
Carla at June 1, 2006 03:59 PM
ditto Kvetch!
My oldest daughter (27) told me the other day, she didn't want kids, and I replied, then don't be pressured into having them (no matter what your dad says, you're still a wonderful person and I don't need to be a grandmother just because).
At my hs 30 yr reunion. I was one of the few who didn't have grandchildren and none of my children married! I beamed! Get an education, travel, explore life! Then.... if you want, get married. :-)
Posted by
Brenda at June 1, 2006 05:27 PM
You should have put the moves on her and savored the reaction.
Posted by
Chanakin at June 1, 2006 08:57 PM
Being single rocks. I know there are other choices out there, and I respect that many people want to get married and want to have children.
But why do they think that everyone needs to be just like they are? I don't expect anyone else to want to spend most evenings with a book on the deck..... (though, really, why wouldn't you want to?)
Cheers to being who you are rather than what others thing you should be.
Posted by
kT at June 2, 2006 02:51 PM
Single + Childless = Evildoer = Childfree & Lovin' It?
Hmmmm. Give one a lot to blog about eh?
Posted by
Teri at June 28, 2006 03:49 PM
Kids are fine, if you actually want them. Frankly, you still have your looks, tits, and clits (sorry, a friend described that one to me once...), so if you're selfish and self absorbed as to have fun with life, so be it.
Recently read that those who are homosexual and those who have no desire to have children may share a similar genetic disposition. Not saying you're gay, but the fact that one group (homosexuals) will never produce offspring by intercourse, and the other group (people who choose to be childless), won't reproduce by choice, share at least the trait of not producing offspring.
Want to know what I think? I think homosexuals are less hated than people who actually choose to be childless. Homosexuals I think are at least dimly recognized in some capacity as not having chose their position in life, but childless individuals and couples who made the choice not to reproduce...ah, they're not exactly supporting the status quo nor expanding the future tax base.
Posted by Shit Shoveler at April 6, 2007 10:44 PM
Knowing nothing about you but the lucidity of your first paragraphs in this post, and your comment about the dangers of playing with an excited beagle, I like the way you think!
Posted by bill at June 3, 2007 09:03 AM
Thanks for the posting. I couldn't agree more. I like being childless and have no desire to have any. I'd love have a partner, but don't want to get married. That leaves me with precious few options. The worst is when the insinuation is made that I'm afraid to grow up! What could be more grown up than being 100% responsible for yourself without a safety net and without being able to use your status as married with children as the catch-all excuse for everything??
Posted by Elisabeth at October 14, 2007 03:20 PM
I think there are a lot people who have children are themselve far more selfish than people who dont. I love kids that is why I dont have them
Posted by Lorelie_68 at October 22, 2007 09:04 PM
Your are doing what alot of people wish they would have done. Majority of married women are miserable and so are some single women with children. You have made the choice that fits you and I am not mad at you at all. I always knew at a very young age that I did not want to have children or get married but I ended up getting pregnant by mistake. I love my daughter to death though. But my life is far from over. I still travel, have my own car, not dependant upon a man, very focused, in college and happy with life. I will continue to travel and make my own choices and Guess What? I'm loving it. Alot of people are bringing illegitimate children into the world and abusing them and getting divorced leaving the children in shambles and having a deadbeat baby daddy, so not the business. I'd rather decide not have children than bring a child into the world unwanted and unloved. Live your life first then if you decide to get married and have children then that's fine but do it on your on time that's what matters the most. I'm sorry to hear about what happened between you and your friend. His wife must've have been threatened, jealous or whatever but please believe that if he is going to cheat she is not going to stop him by telling him that he can not see you anymore. You have a good life right now and I suggest that you continue living your life to the fullest and enjoying yourself. People are going to have something to say about you if you decide to have children and get married or not. That's life.
I do not plan on having any more children and getting married because that's my choice and I am happy with that and I could careless what other people have to say. That was the intentional plan in the first place. I will be in my very early 30's when my daughter turns 18 and I am going to continue to live it up and be single, happy and free. (You are too blessed to be stressed).
Posted by Tenice at December 3, 2007 01:19 AM
Single + Childfree = Dealing with breeder arrogance(breeder, bad/ignorant parent)
Correction -
-------------
childless: want kids, but don't have em
childfree: 100% sure you don't want them for the rest of your life.
fencesitter: somewhere in between
A lot of these comments we childfree like to call "breeder bingo". C%%% we hear over and over. Stereotypes no better than saying "jews are good with money", "blackw love fried chicken", etc.
There is huge world of people like you: "No kidding! International", just one of many, there are so many childfree resources on the internet.
http://www.nokidding.net/ (not assoc with it)
You know at your core, some in early childhood, some later in life, that kids aren't for you. The childfree are vary diverse community. Offen, the only thing we have in common is our childfreeness. There are even childfree specific dating sites. Childfreeness can be nature and/or nurture. There have been many university studies on the childfree both married and single. Some hate kids. Some like kids, but don't want there own(short time tolerance). Some just don't find kids interesting at all(Simular to, I don't like the outdoors, etc).
If you are truly childfree, the childfree will welcome you... :)
Bye, not reading any replies to this...
Posted by CRN at December 4, 2007 02:34 AM
Thank you for posting this. Everyone I know is getting married and/or having kids. Suddenly, at 41, I'm starting to feel I missed out. But on the other hand, I wasn't willing to marry the wrong guy or have a child and be a single parent. I have a friend who was so worried about not ever having kids (after so many abortions) that she got pregnant at 35 by an ex-boyfriend who is very unstable, etc. etc. I sometimes feel extremely alone, but things haven't worked out. I don't really envy the drama in my friend's life and I worry about her child in the middle of all that. It doesn't seem fair. I am glad to know there are so many others who are not having kids. It just seems like everyone thinks that is what they should do - that is what adds value to their life. I joined a local "no kidding" group to see if I can make some childless or even unmarried friends who have time to go do interesting things.
Posted by Cat at January 6, 2008 12:26 AM
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I feel like there are no other folks out there in the same boat as me but apparently there are lots of em. As soon as I make a new friend she inevitably gets pregnant and then I am back at ground zero. And I don't want to play with other people's babies as my primary social activity no matter how cool the parents are. And I feel like I've exhausted all my nurturing power by taking care of other folks. I'm done with putting others before myself which makes me picky in finding a mate. Maybe I should find a "no kidding" group in my area. I am not opposed to kids but I want some friends who aren't going to disappear into motherhood in 10.5 months.
Posted by Vivianna at April 3, 2008 11:39 PM
I know exactly how you feel. All my cousins who are married with kids are wondering if I'm ever going to follow in their footprints. Mind you, these are the same cousins who tell my mother to tell me "Leslie is smart to stay single and not have any kids." They all got pregnant first and then got trapped in marriages with men they can no longer stand. On those days I'm glad I get to come home to a nice, quiet, peaceful house.
Posted by
Leslie at April 9, 2008 05:24 PM
I feel like I am talking to an older crowd here, but I am 24 years old and plan on never marrying or having kids myself. Maybe I am too young to make such a drastic decision, but there is nothing about marriage and having kids that appeals to me. My "peers" call me a selfish prick when I share my thoughts and I am thoroughly surprised at their reactions. I believe there is nothning wrong with wanting to live by yourself and for yourself. I take care of my family and friends, and I frequently sacrifice my wants and needs for them. So this is not a selfish decision.
I think that most people get married and have kids because it is the social norm by the time people reach their 30's. They get married and have kids because they believe it is the right route to take in the next phase of their lives. As for myself, I have too many goals and things I want to accomplish in life, and I think have a wife a kid will halt my dreams. There's a reason people call wives a "ball and chain." Maybe I'll get married and have kids in my 50's! But for now I want to be single and just wander around looking for adventure wherever I can.
Posted by Johny at May 1, 2008 09:56 PM
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