Even though I tend to keep my blog posts on a light, goofy note, I often go through dark spots where I feel hopeless and simply numb to the world.  I always have, even when I was little - though it was much worse when I was young. I remember many times sitting alone in my room, crying and fierecly praying : please just let me die now, I'm done. 

A school mate of mine (not a friend) died in a car wreck when I was in middle school.  I would walk to the cemetery everyday and sit on her grave, crying because it should have been me instead - asking God for a do-over.  I was so very jealous of her getting to die while I was left in this life.

I constantly had suicidal thoughts, and had pill bottles in my hands more times than I can count.  I'd hold the bottles and look at myself in the mirror, crying, considering my options.  And I was always too scared to try.  Thank god for being a chicken to try new things, yeah?

Not having anyone to really confide in, I pushed myself through my young years by writing. I had a diary and I wrote dark, disturbing poetry.  I showed very little of it to anyone...and often wrote something, perfected it, and then made sure to destroy it.  What I did show, I blew off as just writing, lying about how true it may have been.

Another thing that kept me going was my list.  It was a very short list, but something that kept my heart beating.  It was titled "Reasons To Live" and was scribbled on a torn sheet of notebook paper.  There were five things on the list :

• God
• Tracy (my best friend growing up)
• Bubba
• Yay-yay (what I called my other brother)
• Grandma

I told Tracy about this list several months ago.  I wanted to thank her for being on my list...that, even though I could never tell her what was going through my head at the time, that I could never tell anyone what was really happening at home...I wanted to thank her for being one of five things that kept me from taking my own life back then.

Since I know at least one other person on that list reads my blog, I wanted to post about this and tell him thanks, too.

So...thank you, Bubba.  I love you more than you could possibly know.  Thank you for being my reason.  Thank you for being my Bubby.  Thank you for being the meanest, dumbest, smelliest, most amazing brother in the world.  I owe ya one.