I think I'm losing my mind.

No. For real this time.

Before BlogHer my recent vacation to California, I had been feeling really down. I get in funks a lot anyway, but lately, I haven't been able to shake it.  I was forcing myself to go to work, and since I am my own boss, it's unfortunately easy to play hooky. 

My relationship with Shellie has been iffy, too, and right before I left, we'd gone through the "I don't know where we're going" thing.  And it's all me.  It honestly is this time.  I feel nothing but lost - in my relationship, in my job, in my general direction in life.  I'm irritable. I'm sad. I'm confused.

California broke that up a little it and I was able to let go of a lot of my stress and confusion...and just be.  I felt so much more like myself.  No stress, no pain.  No real life.

When I returned, I joked about going through some sort of detox, but it hasn't gone away.  And, actually, it's gotten worse.  I've suspected depression for quite awhile now, but keep blowing it off because once I'm ready to go to the doctor, I feel a little better and talk myself out of it.

Now? Stress is piling up on top of that depression (or whatever the hell is going on).  Stress of hating my job.  Stress of having my truck smashed into - and now the insurance company is trying to say that was OUR fault because of how we were parked.  Stress of dropping school before and now not having a GPA that will ever allow me back into college.  Stress of my business failing. Stress of wanting to go to the doctor, but not having insurance. Stress of moving to another state without a job and Shellie is not coming with me. 

(Oh. Did I not mention yet that she's not moving to Texas with me?  She's going to finish school here - we'll be living in different states for about 3 years. THREE. YEARS.)

All of that plus me being fruity anyway?  Not a good combo, apparently. The last two days have been mental hell for me.  Yesterday I stayed at home from work so I could cry.  I cried about losing my dog. And then I cried about crying so much.  I had to make myself go to my dance class - and I only did that because I was going to LOSE. IT. if I didn't.

Today I stayed at home from work because I. Can't. Leave. The. House.  I can't make myself go to work. When I stand up to go, I feel like I'm going to throw up, that's how badly it forces me to say NO to normal life. I can't talk to anyone on the phone. I have clients I need to call, but my fingers refuse to dial. 

I went to lunch with an old employer today to discuss a very decent and money-making (though temporary) job offer.  I couldn't concentrate on anything because my energy was spent trying to not lose it at the table and burst into tears.  For no apparent reason.

I was trying to catch up on blogs today, but I couldn't stay focused enough to read more than a paragraph or two.  It started feeling like the more I tried to read, the more I forgot how to read.  I kept feeling like someone was covering my head with a thick blanket, like it was just out of my vision range, but close enough to make it hard to breathe and feel its weight.

Sounds totally batshit crazy, doesn't it?

It got so bad that I finally ended up curling up in a ball on the couch and making myself go to sleep.  And that's what I did all afternoon.  I slept.  Because I couldn't stand to be awake.

I feel a little better now that Shellie is home and I can talk to her.  Poor Shellie, who has no idea what to do with me.  I feel down a lot, but try to hide it because I don't want to worry her.  Or anyone else.  But I told her.  At least, I attempted to tell her.  It came out more like "I'm saaaaad...whaaaaaaaaa!!"  But I think she gets that I'm not ok.  That I need help.

That's all I have in me.  I don't know what else to say.  I don't know what's going on with me and my brain, but it's not making life very freaking easy right now.

I'm ready to sleep again.  Or cry.  Or cry and then sleep.

That'll do.