Because I can still totally enjoy things like the Tickle Me Elmo TMX.  If you're a parent, chances are you already HATE this little devil toy.  But me?  I still think it's the funniest, cutest thing ever!  (Though the beagle in that video doesn't seem to think so...)

I actually kinda want one so I can tickle him over and over.  And then turn him right off when I get annoyed.

My parent readers, if you guys get one of these and then all-too-quickly want to place it under your car tire, please send it my way instead.  I'll love him.

I guess I can see how it'd be mind-numbing after awhile, though.  Hell, it looks like Elmo himself can't even take it anymore.

I did not run to the refrigerator first thing this morning and take a bite two bites of the cheesecake sitting in there.

I'm not remotely interested in dressing my dog up for Halloween this year - especially if she'd be dressed up as a (fat!) pink beagle princess because HOW CUTE!!!! that would be totally stupid.

I am not happy about this whole weather thing. A high of 80 degrees today?  Bring back the triple digits and heat strokes and drought!

I'm not addicted to sweet tea.  And I don't drink about a gallon a day.

I'm SO not ready to see David Sedaris speak in 19 days, 9 hours and 46 minutes. YUCK!

I hate dancing. And I'm not looking forward to the studio's 'dance of the season' tonight where we'll be doing swing, salsa, tango...and all kinds of other fun crappy stuff.  And I certainly can't stand that there will be free food because, um, free food sucks. And free drinks? NO THANK YOU.

And I do not want another bite of that cheesecake....

I'm good at all kinds of random crap.  I read really fast.  I can totally organize a whole room in 30 minutes.  I make the best pork chops on the planet.  But if there's one thing I'm REALLY good at, it's quickly starting new things.

And then never finishing them.

Take a gander here:

Ripped up carpet/scraped around old tiles 4 weeks ago with intent to retile the next weekend. HA! I laugh!

Kitchen light hung in JANUARY 2006. Caulk? Paint? No, thank you!

Just from this picture, I can count 11 books I started...and never finished.

I couldn't even finish dinner.  :(

But I have a feeling my life is going to change - starting TODAY.

Why, you ask?

Because today I finished something.  I did it.  I did it!!  Something in my life is actually COMPLETE.

Today, my dear bloggy buddies, I rounded out my collection of Friends DVDs.

Yes, that's right!  I bought seasons 9 & 10 today, making my collection complete. I have them all. 

Done. Finished.

I mean, things can only go UP from here, right? 

Right?!

Whew!  What a weekend!

Shellie and J (the ol' dance partner) made my birthday run from Friday to Monday...everyday was about ME! 

For someone who never even celebrates birthdays, it was interesting.  I got to pick the movies ('Take the Lead' and 'The Last Kiss') and pick the food (cheese fries and cheesecake and cheeseburgers and...well, lots of cheese, apparently).  And I got some great presents (tango CDs, a memory foam pillow, and, oh yeah, DAVID.SEDARIS.TICKETS).

So now that I'm officially 31 (dammit), what on earth do I have to look forward to?!

(DAVID SEDARIS! OCTOBER 18th!)

That's right - HALLOWEEN!

I freakin' love Halloween.  I like handing out candy and seeing all the kids' costumes (except when the 20-year-olds just wear a baseball cap and want free crap from me).  I like decorating (though don't do it nearly enough).  And I love love love dressing up.

I'm not one for parties anymore (31, remember?), but if it's a Halloween party?  COUNT ME IN!

In 2001, I started going to a private 'invite only' party thrown for some richies in town (I knew the band playing one year and snuck myself onto the mailing list...I don't normally get invited to the richies' parties, you see).  They rent out a big concert hall for the night, have free wine, a cheap cash bar, bands, dancing, etc.  Last year, they hired the big marching/dancing band from a high school and had them parading around the balcony sections while we all danced.  It's definitely what you'd call a BASH.

To be let in the door, you must be wearing formal wear or a REAL costume (no baseball caps, 20-year-olds!).  Most of the people choose costumes.  And, believe me, you ain't seen nothin' like richies dressing up.  It's AMAZING.

Of course, I've lost all my pictures from last year (wtf??), but I promise some good ones this year.

Last year I went as an evil fairy.  I have no idea what I'm dressing up as this year. I need to go SHOPPING!

Are you dressing up?  Have you already gotten your costume?  What do you do on Halloween?

Look what Shellie got me for my birthday today!!!!!!!

You may seethe with jealousy now.

That's right. David Sedaris. Live.

SEETHE, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now leave me alone. I'm going to go wet my pants more.

*yawn*

What?

Who the hell woke me up?

I swear, anytime I'm nominated for some kind of 'this blog is pretty cool' award, I turn into 'this blog is total suck'.  I certainly don't deserve a freakin' award.

In the last 3 days, I've even lost 4 subscribers.  Four! 

Damn.  I almost think THAT deserves some kind of award. One that I totally deserve.

So.

HBM has a call to action where she wants us bloggers to post about something that we fight for...something we passionately stand up and get the word out about.  So I've been trying to think of something for that call for days. 

You know what I realized?  I GOT NOTHIN' THERE, EITHER!

I don't fight for anything, really.  I don't have a 'cause.'  I'm not a feminist.  I'm not an activist for anything particular.  I'm not a fundraiser thrower, a petition signer, or a representative letter-writer.

Should I be?  Yeah, probably so.  But, I'm really not.  It's just not in my genes, I guess.

So there's that.

I did get two birthday presents off my wishlist, though!  I turn 31 on Monday!  Eeee!

Karl got me the Garden State dvd...my very favorite movie!

And my friend, Ernie, who doesn't have a blog (dammit) got me Bullshit! season 2.  It's awesome!

Another cool thing going down, though, is that my tango partner and I were asked to perform at our instructor's wedding.  (*insert gaping mouth here*)  She started teaching us the choreography this week.  It's all, like, professional and shit.

We're going to make a video of us doing the tango soon, I'll be sure to post it here.

I'm also working on a video in honor of Karl.   Watch out.

So, yeah. 

Hi!  How are you?

I keep meaning to ask my therapist about my constant loss of memory. 

But I keep forgetting to.

*sigh*

----------------------------------------------

More here later today.

If you can't get enough of me, though, there's always new stuff up at LateNightChase.

The move to Texas is nearing! 

I thought I'd share the progress of the house.  The last picture was taken today (September 17th). 

These were taken every week or two since August 6th.  The builders are KICKING BUTT!

Crap...I guess that means I need to start packing.

I love change. The more things change, the more comfortable I am. 

Change of scenery, change of style, change of paint color in every room...anything.  If things stay the same it too long, I get restless and grumpy.

The same goes for my hairstyle.  Most people keep the same look for years.  The most I can go is about 6 months before I'm totally bored...then I have to mix it up.

Throughout the years, I've done juuuust about every hairstyle imaginable.

Shaved off?  Sure. 

Long enough for a ponytail? You betcha. 

Curly? Straight?  Yes, yes.

Red? Pink? Blue, black, white, orange, striped?  Yessir!!  You name it, I've done it at some point.

Even since I've started this blog, I've gone through several changes.  Let me share my progression. 

*cue sappy nostalgic music*

November 2005 :

Look. I've got hair in my eye. That says 'boy, she's sexy...but such a funny gal!'

March 2006:

The layered look says fun...and maybe a little drunk.

April 2006:

Blondes have more fun. And by fun I mean dark roots. Also, please note the hair in the eye. That's special.

June 2006:

Ok, so maybe redheads have more fun.  With their eyes closed, apparently.

I went about 3 months before I got tired of that look.  So today I got me some hair choppage.  It was a good time.  Now I can feel my scalp when the wind blows.

But I lurve it!

September 2006:

Guess what?  My hair is in my eye again! I win!

I finally (!!!!!) went to see my new therapist today.

Let me tell ya. I don't think there is a single human on the planet that was more meant to be my therapist than this lady.  She's a lovely, earthy, older woman with a charming Aussie accent who uses words like "chakra" and "soulness," and says things like "listen to what the universe is telling you."

Oh yeah, and also: "I'm not going to medicate you for now."

Did I mention I love her?  Because that whole medication thing was TERRIFYING me.

I came out of the hour-long meeting smiling, and buzzing from my chest with confidence.  I drove home in a rush so I could sit here and blog about how great this spark feels.  And I'm still abuzz...afire...ashineyandstuff.

Why?

Because she told me something that hit me square in the nuts face.  Something so very simple, yet so very profound.

When I told her about my confusion and my lack of drive in things money/security/career-related...and how I don't know what I'm doing...and how I'm so flakey...she said, "and what's wrong with that, dear? That's who you are...and that's ok."

One thing I question myself about...something I've always questioned myself about (even blogged about it) is how I don't want to have all these things that are "the American dream"...a career, a family, stability, insert peg A into hole B.  Very few people understand that - really understand that.  And when they don't, I feel like the outcast...like I have to fit into that way of life in order to be "normal". 

So my whole life has been me trying to figure out how to turn myself into that and because I can't, what the flip is wrong with me?!

Everyone wants something different for themselves, and that's always fine.  Why can't my wanting none of that stuff be just as fine?

Well, it can.  And it IS.

I just have to keep reminding myself of that. And ignoring everyone else who says I need to be _____.

She did have some issues with my mood swings and said I possibly have....um....something that's between the levels of bi-polar and 'normal.'  (I've forgotten now what she said. Heh.)  But I'm supposed to track my moods and see what the cycle is like, that way later when I know when the downs occur, I can get a stablizer if I need it.

But anyway.

Yeah.

So, I'm ok.  I'm OK.

O.K.

I learned a lot about myself just in this one session...a lot that makes SO much sense.  But I'll leave that on the therapist's notepads and not bore you with those gorey details.

Just know I'm doing a-ok (with just a small side order of nutso). 

Look out, Bubba.  There's a crazy coming to live with you soon. 

Hide all sharp things.

*evil grin*

I was all gung-ho about my other blog, Late Night Chase, for a while.  Then it kinda, um, died in July.  Oops!

But I, like the God(dess) I am, raised it from the dead a little while ago.  So, don't forget to go see me over there, too! 

In other news, I'm whoring myself out again - and in a different way.  And if you don't like it, you can totally blame it on Karl because he started it!  As you MUST know by now, my birthday is on the 25th.  That's only, like, 2 weeks away!  SQUEEE!

So, because I have no shame, I put my Amazon wishlist up in the left sidebar.  I mean..you know..because I don't have real-life friends to buy me things.

[insert puppy-dog eyes here]

In other, other news...

Britney Spears had another future crackhead bouncing baby boy at 2am this morning.  According to my sources, she named him Yodaddy S'fugginloser.  I think it's French.  Or something.

To the young lady I saw in Hicksville, Oklahoma this weekend:

Hi. Honey?

The minute the tattoo artist finished that big barbed wire/death rose tattoo on the back of your neck was the minute you gave up the eternal right to wear fuzzy, glittery flip flops. 

Please either grow your hair out or put on motorcycle boots.

Thanks, babe!
Chase

Good evening, boys and girls! 

I'm your new pal, Chase and  I'll be telling you a little story today!  It's a story of adventure and fun and excitement, and it MIGHT even have a little embellishment!  Can YOU say embellishment??

Good job, kids!   Now, let's get on with our tale...

* * * * * * * * * *

It was a bright and sunny Friday afternoon at the kingdom.  Two beautiful princesses, Chase and Shellie, decided to take a roadtrip to a wooonderful land called Dallas.

Oooooh!  Ahhhhh!

They brought along with them their two trusty steeds doggies.  A very good puppy named Bowie:

And a very baaaaad doggy named Moxie:

...kids, to read more, please click below...

On the way from the kingdom to Dallas, the two princesses ran into many foes, including this troupe of dragons!  Look at their shiney teeth and looooong razor-sharp claws!

Luckily, Chase knew how to slay the dragons and the day was saved.   Shellie rejoiced much!

Once they got to the magical land of Dallas, they ran into the grossest, most vile monster imaginable : the Bubbatron!!!!  Look here how he tries to eat the brain of the good puppy!!

Ooooh!! Oh no!!! UGLY!!!!!!

Chase knew that Bubbatron's weakness was mexican food, though, and was able to distract the nasty monster with a plate of fajitas.  Another crisis averted!!

YAY!!!

And Shellie rejoiced!!

After the Bubbatron was hypnotized by Chase's beautiful self, he obeyed her every command.  Did she ask for riches?  Castles?  Horses? 

NO!

She asked for the one thing every young girl wants more than ANYTHING else in the whoooole world.  A trip to the enchanted candyland called Ikea!!!!!!!

They walked and walked and walked through the rows of sweetness.  They ooooh'd and ahhhh'd and fell in love at every turn.

Shortly after spending a billion years wandering in the heaven that is Ikea, they drove the few short miles to their new castle in Frisco.  Two weeks ago, it only had a moat...but now looky, kids!

Oooooh!  Wood!  Windows! And...um...mexican labor!   YAY!!!

Shellie rejoiced!!

At the end of the weekend, the two princesses were tired from all the adventure, so they headed back to the kingdom they call home.

The trip home was delightful - full of chocolate and sunflower seeds and Diet Coke.  So MUCH Diet Coke, as a matter of fact, they had to find facilities in the forrest.   And when they found the sign on the door below, they laughed:

And Shellie?  Well, she just kept on rejoicing.

Probably because she was drunk...but that's just a hunch because that's how she usually is, that drunk bitch.

THE END

• 16 large items we had to cram into the small trunk
• 16 times I wished we'd remembered the CD case - d'oh!
• 16 times we passed the same car with the stupid OU flags on it
• 16 pictures I took and deleted before my batteries died
• 16 kinds of kickass my brother's new Lexus is
• 16 toys we brought for the animals to play with
• 16 toys they refuse to play with
• .16 seconds for me to pass out on the couch
• 16 Ritz crackers that I ate for breakfast today
• 16 hours now that Moxie has been refusing to use the bathroom
• 1.6 hours before Bowie used the bathroom on the carpet
• 16 hillbillies I've seen so far - Yeeeehaw, Texas!

It's been announced that James Frey and his publisher have agreed to settle the lawsuit brought against them by readers who have their heads up Oprah's ass were upset to find his book was embellished.  Each person in the suit will get a full refund for the price of the book.

I have my own thoughts about this, but that's not where I want to go today.  Instead, I (by way of my legal counsel) want to demand my own refunds.  Because if the whiney bitches those plaintiffs can get their $15 back, then I should get mine, dammit.  Here is the official statement from my attorney on these matters:

To The Olive Garden Restaurant :

Ms.Chase hereby demands a full refund for any and every meal she has ever purchased and consumed at your place of business.  Ms.Chase was under the impression that your food was decent.  Because of the company's reputation, my client returned to Olive Garden to offer you "another chance" at compensating her.  Your company's commercials depict food that is 1) Italian and 2) yummy.  On more than one occasion, your company failed to follow through on these promises, and my client's wallet and tastebuds were therefore harmed because of it.  My client demands full monetary compensation and one fully-paid trip to Italy, so that she may have real Italian food.  Please comply forthwith.

To Mr. Richard [insert last name] :

Ms.Chase demands you return to her her virginity. Ms.Chase was under the impression loss of said virginity would be a tolerable, if not pleasant, experience. However, this was false advertising on your part and, therefore, we state for the courts that my client was duped into giving this item up to you. Virginity must be returned intact so that she may give it to more deserving parties. Along with said virginity, you must sign a sworn statement that you, Richard [insert last name], were too immature to ever have taken such an item from my client and that you shall never act upon this again.

To President George W. Bush :

Through your actions and the actions of your administration, Ms.Chase's reputation as an American has been forever tarnished. Though Ms.Chase did not vote for you, she was still under the impression that you were a human.  In finding out that you are instead a disgusting spawn of Satan, we demand you resign. IMMEDIATELY.

Sincerely,

Chase's Attorney

My Love, My Heart,

This is one of the hardest letters I've ever written, dear.

We had some amazing times together.  Everyday with you was a blessing. I have to admit that I've never loved anyone as much as you.  Still, it's time for us to part ways.  It's not you, it's me. 

My sweet, perfect, DVR...you've never let me down.  You always recorded Project Runway just as I asked you to - I never once had to remind you.  And The Chelsea Handler Show?  You never missed an episode!  All my re-runs of Family Guy are still stored in order in your mind...and no matter how many times I want to watch them, you've never once complained.  And movies! Oh, the movies you've kept for me these long months! 

There was that incident with Garden State, but that was mostly my fault...I know I pushed your buttons wrong.  For that, I'll always be sorry.

So, in order to save us more heartache, I am letting you go.  Your one flaw is that you cost me money...money that I'm trying to save for my move out of state.  Please, stop, don't cry in front of me, DVR.  Let's remember the good times, shall we? 

Remember how we watched Elf together and laughed?  And how we played So You Think You Can Dance? so many times we knew Ivan and Allison's steps?  I think these are the things we need to dwell on - not how much we'll miss each other.

And I will - I will miss you.  Because I love you.  Please know that I'll always love you. 

And we will meet again.

Yours eternally,

Chase

I just found out I was nominated for 2 Okie Blog Awards : Best Blog Layout and Best Overall Blog!  I only know of a few Oklahoma bloggers who read me, and those I know of probably wouldn't actually nominate me for anything.  So, whoever you are out there, thank you!  That's freaky cool!

(And if you're an Oklahoma blogger, you should totally go vote for me!)

With that nomination announcement, people have been clicking over to my site. Unfortunately, every post on my front page is either about the boring ol' d-o-g or a guest post.  They aren't getting the full awesomeness of Chase.  And who am I to deny new readers that?

So I thought I'd link to some of my favorite posts from my archives for all the newbs here.  Read these and you'll see utter greatness...pure Heaven...that which should win awards.

My first post on this blog : Who Would Jesus Smack?

One of my readers' favorites, where I act all stupid-like.

A step-by-step guide to surviving Oklahoma tornados...Chase-style.

My 'Perfect Post Award'-winning post about the hell that is female puberty.

Please note the little "Today's Special" section to the right.  I had my site designer (Megan) program a sideblog in there because, apparently, I'm NOT smart enough to figure it out myself.

It will be my place to share a "learn something new everyday!" epiphany.  Right now, it's without a comments section, but that will change as soon as my designer gets my email.  Heh. I'll try to update it everyday...but I can't promise anything. 

Also, if you haven't noticed, if you're a regular commenter, your comments are no longer moderated!  My geekily sexy friend, Chanakin, added a plugin to my site that allows return commenters to just put up any ol' thing they want.

So, um, that means you have to BEHAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

(Can't believe I'm trusting you people. Yipes.)

It also means you can just post.  No waiting.  No stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, CAPTCHAs.  No having to moderate on my part (unless you're posting from a new IP).  So yeah. You're welcome.

Also, since everyone is doing it, I thought I'd pimp my upcoming birthday.  I'll be 31 on Sept.25!  So, um, I need some sort of celebration.  Maybe you guys can buy me stuff.  Or, like, send me all your money.  That'd be cool, too.  Thanks!

The puppy's name is :

BOWIE!*

Bowie was in first place all of Thursday. Then Brewster pulled ahead by a few votes.  But Bowie took over again by this morning.  So...congrats to Angie (who doesn't have a blog but SO needs one so I can link her)!!!!!!!! 

*Attorney Shellie says: per aforementioned rules on naming of the animal now named 'Bowie', she, her girlfriend, or anyone else relating to said animal, reserves the right to call him 'Rugby' at any time because his appearance and action is that of an animal named 'Rugby' and she, in compromise, will name him Bowie Rugby [Lastname] because awwww, that just flows so cute!