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Refund This

It's been announced that James Frey and his publisher have agreed to settle the lawsuit brought against them by readers who have their heads up Oprah's ass were upset to find his book was embellished.  Each person in the suit will get a full refund for the price of the book.

I have my own thoughts about this, but that's not where I want to go today.  Instead, I (by way of my legal counsel) want to demand my own refunds.  Because if the whiney bitches those plaintiffs can get their $15 back, then I should get mine, dammit.  Here is the official statement from my attorney on these matters:

To The Olive Garden Restaurant :

Ms.Chase hereby demands a full refund for any and every meal she has ever purchased and consumed at your place of business.  Ms.Chase was under the impression that your food was decent.  Because of the company's reputation, my client returned to Olive Garden to offer you "another chance" at compensating her.  Your company's commercials depict food that is 1) Italian and 2) yummy.  On more than one occasion, your company failed to follow through on these promises, and my client's wallet and tastebuds were therefore harmed because of it.  My client demands full monetary compensation and one fully-paid trip to Italy, so that she may have real Italian food.  Please comply forthwith.

To Mr. Richard [insert last name] :

Ms.Chase demands you return to her her virginity. Ms.Chase was under the impression loss of said virginity would be a tolerable, if not pleasant, experience. However, this was false advertising on your part and, therefore, we state for the courts that my client was duped into giving this item up to you. Virginity must be returned intact so that she may give it to more deserving parties. Along with said virginity, you must sign a sworn statement that you, Richard [insert last name], were too immature to ever have taken such an item from my client and that you shall never act upon this again.

To President George W. Bush :

Through your actions and the actions of your administration, Ms.Chase's reputation as an American has been forever tarnished. Though Ms.Chase did not vote for you, she was still under the impression that you were a human.  In finding out that you are instead a disgusting spawn of Satan, we demand you resign. IMMEDIATELY.

Sincerely,

Chase's Attorney

September 7, 2006 09:34 AM |
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Comments

1. Did you mean Tour of Italy? 2. Are you sure HE actually initiated the contract? Did he leave a deposit in good faith? 3. What the hell are you talkin' about, Willis? Kissy Face
Posted by Pappy at September 7, 2006 11:01 AM

OH, Pappy...you're already askin' for it. DAMMIT.
Posted by Chase at September 7, 2006 11:28 AM

....slow day at the home. ;)
Posted by Pappy at September 7, 2006 11:54 AM

Haha! Too funny! I may have to write some of my own letters...I might sue Dunkin Donuts, Target or Old Navy for the fact I have no money.
Posted by Robin at September 7, 2006 12:45 PM

I bet James Frey is kicking his own ASS for calling his book a memoir now! Why couldn't he just be honest? dumbass...
Posted by Dawn (webmiztris) at September 7, 2006 01:05 PM

Dear McDonalds - I would like a refund back on all of the meals I ever ate there because it is all YOUR fault that I am fat...nope, I am not to blame. Why should *I* take responsibility? And while your at it, refund Oprah too cause she sure needs more money to go after people like James Frey. /sarcasm Now Chase....you know you are my hero for rocking my Oprah hatred banner on your blog ;)
Posted by Hilly at September 7, 2006 01:33 PM

Shouldn't there be a defamation suit in there for enduring the moniker "slimer"?
Posted by Chanakin at September 7, 2006 03:15 PM

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Can I have my people call your people to get copies of those legal documents!? Dear Huge Mexican Food Chain...
Posted by Dink(y) at September 7, 2006 03:29 PM

Bwahahhahahahahahahaha!! Those are great!! Thanks for ending my work day on a high note!
Posted by kapgar at September 7, 2006 03:55 PM

Robin - That's a good one too. Mine would be Target as well! How's about a class action suit?! Dawn - He tried...it was Random House that said he should push it otherwise. :) Hilly - Freaking Oprah. I think we should sue her ass too just because she's a hunk of crap! Chanakin - Eh...I've kinda grown to love it. But maybe for all the physical abuse I've endured over the years from the brothers...hmmm. I'll look into that one. Dinky - Hehe! Let me know! I'll fax 'em right over!! Kevin - Yay! Who loves ya, baby!?
Posted by Chase at September 7, 2006 04:21 PM

OK, so I'm not much of a blog reader, but I just read this one. Holy shit that was funny. I actually laughed out loud. Thanks.
Posted by Johnny at September 7, 2006 05:07 PM

Hey The Olive Garden kicks butt, I'll not have you impugn their tasty foods.
Posted by Bubba at September 7, 2006 05:42 PM

Chase - through your actions and through your writing on this blog, you have caused me to lose control of my bodily functions and therefore you owe me a new pair of undies and a new Ikea Poang chair cushion (wheat color).
Posted by Suebob at September 7, 2006 07:45 PM

Johnny - Welcome to my bloggy. :) And thanks...it's because I'm a funny biotch! Bubba - I'll sue your ass just for lying about how good Olive Garden's food is. Sicko. Suebob - Dammit. Sorry. What color undies would you like? Wheat color to match the chair?
Posted by Chase at September 7, 2006 07:52 PM

Ha ha, that was a good one!
Posted by CeCe at September 8, 2006 08:46 AM

If you can get a refund on number three - I'll vote for YOU!
Posted by Miss Britt at September 8, 2006 10:37 AM

To the Record Companies: For releasing all those horrible albums & CDs that maybe... MAYBE had one good song on them when you should have known better! You should have made those whiny, hungover little snots go back into the studio to record 9 more halfway decent songs. For that you owe me... $14,762 going back to 1981.
Posted by ConstructionDeal at September 8, 2006 12:48 PM

I freakin' love this post.
Posted by Michelle at September 8, 2006 11:27 PM

I think you could definitely get a class action suit together for that last one. I would certainly join, as (according to the election) so would about half of the United States.
Posted by Nicole at September 9, 2006 12:38 AM

CeCe - Heh..thanks. Now if I can ever get a response from these people. Hmmmm. Miss Britt - I know nothing about politics. Of course, neither does he, so maybe I've got a shot! ConstructionDeal - NO KIDDING. I'm all for that one too! haha! Michelle - And I freakin' love you! :) HI! Nicole - Heck yeah...we should get a defamation suit going. He ruined any chance of the world considering us decent. Grrr.
Posted by Chase at September 9, 2006 08:16 AM

I don't often say this and mean it, but... LMFAO!!!! Thank you.
Posted by Her Bad Mother at September 10, 2006 08:08 AM

This is totally funny!! Thank you for the laugh!! ~M
Posted by Michelle at September 10, 2006 01:23 PM

Okay, now I'm going to sue YOUR butt for making me laugh and then choke while I was eating gummi bears. And let's make it a class action suit against number 3.
Posted by Ms. Cornelius at September 10, 2006 01:35 PM

Dammit! I think I need your lawyers to write up a lawsuit for me too. I'm suing you for making me ruin my laptop by snorting red wine out of my nose. I'm demanding a new laptop, a full nasal cleansing, and a new pair of pants, 'cause I peed a little too.
Posted by Mrs. Chicky at September 10, 2006 06:03 PM

HBM - Hah! No problem, dear. It's just payback for all the times I've done the same. :) Michelle - Sure thang! You can send payment to 123 Main Street Tulsa, OK 74429 Ms Cornelius - Ack! You choked on a gummie bear?! I'm sorry! hehe! Mrs. Chicky - Well, it sounds like you should have gotten in there sooner. With all the people that are suing me because of this thread, I'm OUT of money. I mean, I can paint your house and stuff, but that's about all I can offer.
Posted by Chase at September 11, 2006 01:59 AM