Too bad these people can't say the same thing...
WTF? Why??
(keep reading to find more regretful the-next-mornings)
Oh, come on...seriously?
The tat sucks! And, oh yeah, you're a douchebag.
Well, at least there's a boob shot in there...
Not QUITE as cool as he thinks he is.
Um. Sure thing.
I don't think I need to elaborate.
I didn't know dumbass came in 'hardcore' size.
Mother = Proud!
Yep, it's a tattoo. And yep, it's gayer than gay.
If she auctioned off a chance to slap her, I'd totally bid on it.
GOD, that makes me proud to be a female.
*snort*
Oh man...nothin' like a hardcore nerd.
I think you meant to spell it D-U-M-B.
No. Just...NO.
This guy and the Star Wars guy need to hang out.
Loose translation : I'm a fucking moron.
Michael is innocent!!
My therapist used the word "breakthrough" with me this week.
I knew what it was the the moment I let it happen, too - it felt like someone had reached into the water I'd been drowning in for 15 years and fished me out. Breakthrough. And I couldn't wait to tell the ol' therapist how strong I'd been.
When I did, she stood up and hugged me. And we laughed. And I drank lots of iced tea so I wouldn't cry.
While I still have issues to work out with that particular aspect of my persona, I still have plenty others. And, in fact, once I was free of the major obstacle, it opened up a floodgate of others that I had no idea where lurking there. Now that I can see the the "why" behind my feelings and actions, it's making me question the motives behind everything I've felt and done.
All my life I've felt a certain way, and I am beginning to understand why. I'm also beginning to see I may have been wrong. And GOD! how I hate to admit I'm wrong.
Where does this leave me, though - the ME I'm supposed to know more intimately than anything else? What if what I've been telling myself for 15, 20, 25 years is a lie? I've been masking certain parts of myself for as long as I can remember - long enough I didn't even know I was masking them. When these parts of myself start figuring out that they're ok...then what?
Shit.
I know this makes little to no sense. I apologize. But what say you therapy babies? Have you had such a breakthrough that it's made you re-evaluate everything you are? Where do you start? Where do you go from here? Where's that iced tea?
Tonight I was sitting in the drive-thru at KFC, taking a little too long trying to decide between extra crispy and original recipe. In front of me was a new Nissan with big, shiny chrome, spinner wheels. I rolled my eyes and said, "that's just stupid...I can't stand when kids do that."
The driver turned up the stereo with bass loud enough to shake even my car. I again rolled my eyes and said, "Oh, yeah, THAT sounds real good. Pfffft!" Shellie nodded, annoyed.
I continued to rant about how LOUD the music was and how TOTALLY inappropriate it was to do that in a drive-thru, where NORMAL people were. I rolled up my window, turned up my own radio, and mindlessly started singing along with the song on the radio.
And that's when I realized...
I was sitting at KFC, in my 2001 four-door Ford Taurus, griping about the youngsters these days and singing proudly to Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight".
Someone shoot me now. Seriously.
Because I haven't been crazy enough lately, I've decided to take on another project. One that will surely make me rip my hair out strand by ever-lovin strand.
If you don't know what that is, let me explain in just a few tiny words: WRITE A 50,000-WORD NOVEL DURING THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER.
Yeah. That's what I thought, too. FIFTY THOUSAND. I don't think I know that many words.
That's just stupid. Crazy. Idiotic. Impossible. Right? RIGHT??
So, of course, I signed up. I mean, what else do I have to do in November? Nothing.
(ok, except maybe work, write on more than one blog, watch Friends reruns daily, get ready for a huge tango performance, celebrate Thanksgiving and OH YEAH move to another state)
God help me.
I'm not very good with celebrity - I never have been. I don't know what it is, but anytime I get around someone who may be even just the least bit famous, I tend to spaz. This became abundantly clear to me on my first trip to Hollywood. I was driving from the airport to the hotel when I drove by a group of people with cameras and stuff. I slowed down enough to be an annoying tourist when I saw him - Samuel L. Jackson. He was getting his star on Hollywood Blvd.
Needless to say, I screamed and scared my passenger, slammed on the brakes and scared everyone around me, and then drooled & panted all the way to the hotel because I. JUST. TOTALLY. SAW. A. REAL. LIFE. MOVIE. STAR. OMFGWTFROFLMFAOWOOT!!!!!!
Of course, you'd think now that I'm in my 30s, I'd have grown as a human and just realized that people are people. Mmmmyeah. You'd think wrong.
Since then, it's actually gotten worse. My star-struckedness (yes, it's a word) has grown from "that's totally that guy that was in that movie!!" to "holy crap, she totally does the weather on channel 6 when the normal guy is sick!!!!!!" I even showed off my jackassedness ('tis a word, too) at BlogHer when I almost sat on Amalah's lap in the airport shuttle and then took all 3 days to introduce myself to Sweetney because OMG I SO TOTALLY LOVE HER WHAT IF SHE LOOKS AT ME?!
So it's no surprise that, today, when I was standing in line to meet David Sedaris, my heart was racing and all I could say was "oh my god what do I say to DAVID SEDARIS?!?!" and "what the hell does one say when one meets one's hero?!?" and "LOOK HOW CUTE AND TINY HE IS!!!!!!!!!!"
Shellie rolled her eyes and told me to "FREAKING.RELAX" more than once.
We were 3 people away from him when the urge to hug him hit me. He's so itty...and so cute...and asked his fans the most adorable, sweet, profound, unique questions ever ('how many kids do you have?'...'are you guys married?'...'how do you spell Adrienne?').
I grabbed Shellie's arm and squealed "I WANT TO HUG HIM!!!!!!!" and she shooshed me because we were STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM AND HE MIGHT HEAR YOU AND YOU BETTER NOT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL. And I didn't. I behaved. I asked him something mundane that I've since forgotten because I was busy watching him sign my copy of Holidays on Ice. He even drew a picture in my book, saying in his SantaLand elf-like voice, "it's a Christmas tree...on a barstool...I'm gonna talk about that tonight."
He did. And when he did, I punched Shellie in the leg hard enough for her to look at me like "wtf are you doing, psycho!?" because I GOT IT. Sedaris and I had a connection, man. He drew a Christmas tree with a barstool just for me and then he talked about it. Just like he said he would.
Because, Sedaris and I? Me and Ol' Dave? We're tight like that. And, ya know, I could tell by that look in his eyes as he was signing my book that he wanted to hug me as badly as I wanted him to. But we both knew all the spazzy fans out there would get all jealous-like and want a hug too and then I'd have to protect my new BFF and then security would need to be called and then the show would be delayed and it'd be a great big mess.
And we wouldn't have wanted that.
The show was amazing. And I laughed so hard I cried. And he said us Tulsans were sick because we laughed at all the wrong places in his 'working in a mortuary' story. And, really? You just can't get much better than that.
(Unless, of course, you have a copy of Holidays on Ice, signed by my pal, Big D, with a hand-drawn picture of a Christmas tree and a barstool.)
(Hi, David Sedaris, I love you. Call me.)
The hotty known as Dave2 did a bullet-point Sunday thingy today. And, since I have a headache and I've been so busy, nothing in my life is funny enough to make a real post about, I thought I'd steal the idea for today.
Ok, so Dave may be funnier and a bit more interesting, but, hey, I have better hooters. So, enjoy.
I just got a spam email with a subject line that said this:
Spermamax will make your sperm as tasty as a cake!
Hmmmm. How keen.
You know how I was all excited that I got my blogging letterman jacket because I got something for free? Yeah. I got a second dose of validation tonight!
But this one was not quite as exciting.
No, I didn't get any hate mail or rude comments...I'm still DYING to get some of that!
See, I read a post over at MamaTulip's place saying that she would be shutting down her blog. This made me very sad. The final straw for her was that someone was stealing all her posts and making money off of them.
She wrote posts. Someone else posted 'em and made money from it. Niiiiice.
Just out of curiosity, I went to the links she provided and guess.what? They're stealing my posts, too!
(yeah, I don't know why either...utter crap usually doesn't make much money...trust me)
In all, they jacked 83 of my posts. The entire posts....even pictures of me! Me - over there - drinking loads of Cap'n Morgan and making someone else some mulah.
THE HELL??
I don't know too much about this, as I just found out and wanted to post because, um...
THE BLOODY HELL?!!?
Find out more here. See if your stuff is being stolen, too. Join the party!
Because I just got my first 'because you're a blogger' FREE THING!
[insert applause here]
I've been wiping away silent tears for quite awhile now about all the bloggers who get to sample free crap (dish soap, yogurt, etc) simply because of their blogger status. That's right - I cry myself to sleep over the lack of free junk.
Because I'm petty like that.
(Tom Petty...Peppermint Petty...Petticoat Petty...)
(Will & Grace anyone? No? Ok. Nevermind.)
But you know what? I'M the winner this week. And I think I'm a bigger winner.
No.
No, no. I'm the BIGGEST winner!
Because I didn't get soap or food. I got a DVD set! A-HA! And not only THAT, my pretties, but I got The Greatest American Hero DVD set! FOR FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I LOVED that show when I was little!
(oh, how I can hear Karl getting all jealous-like!)
I got an email last week from someone at M80 Marketing saying they read my blog and since I've talked about 80s culture, he thought I'd like to review The Greatest American Hero.
Would I?? Um....GIMME!GIMME!GIMME!
So I wept. And emailed him back. And he emailed me back. And I emailed him back. And I'm gonna make out with him because he's totally for real sending me free stuff.
Because I have a blog.
How effing great is that??
And now? Now you may touch me. Because I got free stuff, too.
For free. A DVD. For...um...free.
Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I could feel so freee-heee-heeeeeee!
(Free)
Hi, internets! I'm Chase! You may remember me from such Public Service Announcements as Preparing for a Tornado and How To Handle A Crisis Situation. Today at Taste The World, we'd like to offer help to our male readers. That's right, you with the penis. Put down the remote and pay attention.
Thanks, dude!
There are some things in the universe that are constant - fundamental truths, if you will - that, no matter what, you cannot argue. Our brilliant researchers found it stated like this:
"What is absolutely true is always correct, everywhere, all the time, under any condition. An entity's ability to discern these things is irrelevant to that state of truth."
Good stuff!
I'd like to share a set of specific Universal Truths with you men today. And, guys, please note the capitalization of Universal Truths because, um, it's that freaking important.
UNIVERSAL TRUTH : A woman can joke to herself about gaining a little weight. She may even do this in front of you. If she does, you should smile in acknowlegement that you were paying attention, but be sure not to nod too dramatically.
UNIVERSAL TRUTH : A woman's close girlfriends can joke along with her about gaining a little weight. Again, pay attention if you must, but, remember, don't speak up!
Great job!
And here is the most important dynamic. Write this down if you must!
UNIVERSAL TRUTH : A man cannot joke about a woman gaining a little weight. Ever. And, guys? Don't think that because you think you're being cute and funny that it will make a difference. Because it doesn't! And you're not cute and funny!
Even if she loves you!
To help you out a little more, here are examples of what you might think is cute, when in fact, it is NOT:
"I noticed you getting squishy in all the right places!"
Squishy. SQUISHY? Universal Truth dictates a foot to your crotch.
Ouch!
(while poking a finger at a woman's stomach) "Ha ha it's like Pillsbury! A-HOOO-HOOO!"
Right. The poking? Universal Truth dictates if you poke that finger at my that woman's stomach one more time, I'll she'll break it off.
Not good for you!
So now you know what you have to do, guys...and what you have to not do. (DON'T.DO.IT.)
So, don't let me down, boys.
Yeah. This concludes our PSA for today. Stayed tuned for the next series coming soon!
Squishy. Hmph.
Because, you know what? The world is VERY close to ending.
Today, I was outside jogging prior to 8am.
HA! Let that bitch sink in for a second. Me. Chase. I was jogging. (JOGGING!) And there wasn't a rabid animal chasing after me. Nor was there a cheesecake on a stick dangled in front of me.
And! Did you get that last part of the sentence? "Prior to 8am" (!!!!!!!!) Usually, anything prior to 8am involves me with a glass of Diet Coke, just waking up and checking my email, and saying "It's too effing early to read email."
And that brings me to my next point : minus the Captain Morgan episode on Sunday and the state fair on Monday, I haven't had Diet Coke in about a week.
I tell ya, folks, this shit doesn't happen unless Jesus is on his way back.
HE IS RISEN!
It's been nice knowin' you, internets.
Besides my, ahem, David Sedaris tickets [insert angelic music here], I also got tons of birthday stuff from Amazon.com - partially from my wish list and partially gift certificates from a few folks (including my bubba, who sent me a $100 cert! Yowza!).
I now have everything from Amazon, so I wanted to share with yous (because seething with jealousy is good...remember the David Sedaris tickets?):
Ahoy! The booty!
Bullshit! Season 1...Friends Season 9...Friends Season 10...Arrested Development Season 3...2007 Writer's Market...The Comedy Bible...Garden State (from Karl!)...Tales of Adam, Daniel Quinn...Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules, David Sedaris (from Kevin!)...The Fray cd (from Deb!)...The Killers cd...OK Go cd.
Bootylicious!
Then, yesterday? I got the gift that made me cry.
Shellie snuck some pictures I'd taken and had an artist rendering done of them and then had them framed for me.
Beagles, ho!!
On the left, the three beagles (Malachi, Moxie, Bo) with their noses under the fence...my favorite picture ever. On the right, my angel Malachi, who passed away in May.
You really need to watch this.
I saw it this morning and just can't stop thinking about it. It gave me the same warm, shmooshy feeling that the Where The Hell Is Matt video did. I'm all teary-like just thinking about it.
So, yeah, I'm all about promoting this one. I think the world does just need one big hug. And I'm going to do what I can to help.
I just bought this:
Free Hugs : we all need one
Who's first in line??
Thanks, Jen, for letting me steal your post. :)
*Edited to add the website. Read more about Free-Hugs.com here. Buy Free Hugs t-shirts here.
