« October 2006 | Main | December 2006 »

Thanks, Yo. Now With Footnotes!

Happy Needless Turkey Murder Day*, everyone!

What I'm thankful for:

*Friends? Phoebe? Anyone? No? I watch my DVDs too much?

**I say amazing, but this is before I've even cut into the middle of it, where it may just big a big puddle of eggs and raw cream cheese goop....god help me and anyone else who eats it....but at least it LOOKS yummy, eh?

***Bubba closes on the house in, like, 5 days, people. Pictures soon!

****Again, haven't actually TRIED the cheesecake.  When it sucks later, I'll be sure to NOT tell you. You just keep on thinking that I'm awesome, mmkay?

Posted by Chase at 08:30 AM | | Comments (21)


Mmmm. Fishy.

I've always been pretty open about myself on this blog. While I don't use my real name, I never minded sharing pictures or true stories or the everyday happenings in my life.  As a matter of fact, I always felt sadness for the bloggers who said that they couldn't talk about...whatever it was they wanted to talk about.  I mean, that's the whole point of a blog, right?

Well, I now find myself staring up at the huge elephant in the living room, mouth agape, wanting to tell you guys how OH MY GOD THERE'S TOTALLY THIS ELEPHANT IN MY LIVING ROOM, PEOPLE.

But I can't.

As of a few weeks ago, I'm no longer with the person I was with for nearly four years.  It's been really hard and really strange...and I can't talk about it because one of the first things she said after the fall was "Please don't write about me on your blog." 

So, other than what I just said, I won't.

So, while I sort this stuff out, you'll just have to deal with all my crappy picture posts and "haha! Google is funny!", because, when I have nothing to say, I put up pictures and pretend I'm doing a good job a'blogging. 

It's my red herring for the situation. I hope you're in the mood for seafood.

 

Or pink. Whatever.

Posted by Chase at 10:07 AM | | Comments (23)


In Case You've Forgotten (Alternate Title : I Totally Freaking Forgot)

You know how I was all, "I'm totally moving to Texas in, like, three months!!!"?  Heh. Yeah. It's now THREE WEEKS.

I'm moving out of state* in three weeks, people.  And LOOK.

That's right.  All those boxes are EMPTY.  I haven't quite started packing yet.  And, um, I have a lot of shit.  I would show you this picture of packed boxes all neatly stacked and stuff and be all proud of myself:

 

...but then I'd have to fess up and tell you that I did that, like, months ago, and most of these were boxes that I just never UNpacked from when we moved here 2 years ago.  I just stuck them in the living room and called it good. Heh.

(On an off note, you see my cute little stack of expensive high heel shoes? That's right...they're packed away already and have been since I bought them...because I DON'T WEAR EXPENSIVE HIGH HEEL SHOES LIKE EVER.)

I haven't even BEGUN to get ready for this whole move thing. I just found out my new address a couple of days ago. That's when it sunk in that, um, hi, I need to get my ass in gear. 

What are you guys doing next weekend? Want to come help me pack up 31 years of crap?

THANKS.

 

*Don't worry yourself that it's only a 3.5 hour drive from Tulsa...it's still out-of-state, dammit.

Posted by Chase at 09:59 AM | | Comments (3)


I'm Number One!

I found out by my sitemeter today that I'm the number one search result when it comes to a few things.  A few very...special...things.

cutest poopy in the world - Poopy! I got the top TWO spots for this search...and, in doing so, beat out both Gawker and Dooce.  THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

cheesecake is gross - UMMMMM. Somebody gonna die for reals.

and an applicator shaped like jodie fosters knuckles - Ahem. Leave it to Chanakin to leave me a comment that brings these people to my site.  Thanks.

 

 

Unfortunately, I scored a tad lower on these searches :

a hand in the bush - Only got the 2nd spot for this one. I should really try harder. Heh. Bush.

piss cleaners - Second place again. RATS!

honky formal outfit - I'm actually pretty proud of this 2nd place spot, seeing as I don't think I've ever actually said the word 'honky'.  Until now, of course.

how do you make your sperm taste sweet - Third place?!  I got the shaft.  *snort*  Eh. At least I'm spreading the word about good ol' Spermamax, eh?

Posted by Chase at 04:11 PM | | Comments (6)


I Bet You Can't Do This

In response to Chili's post about Stupid Human Tricks.

What about you? What can YOU do?

Posted by Chase at 10:16 AM | | Comments (18)


I Mean, Who WOULDN'T Want Some Of This?

So, I pull up to the gas station today and as soon as I get out of my car, I hear "MMMMM MMMMM!!!" all obvious and gross-like.  I ignore it and scoot toward the store to pay.  Before I reach the door, I hear, "hey, girl!  HEY!" and I look over.  A guy is sitting in his car and smiles all pervvy and says "Hi...how YOU doin?"

Yeah. Totally Joey. But without all the charm. Or looks. Or anything remotely close to Joey.

I smile, say hey, and walk into the store, already dreading walking back out.  When I do, I try to act like I'm in a rush.  He doesn't get the hint.

The conversation goes like this:

Icky Dude : Hey girl. How you doin?

Me (walking like I have to pee really badly): *quick smile*

Icky Dude : Hey girl. <something I don't understand>?

Me : Sorry. In a hurry.

Icky Dude (now yelling because I'm crossing the parking lot) : Wait! Wait! Come here! I have something to ask you!

Me (turning around) : What?

Icky Dude : You know anyone who needs any Xanax bars?

Me : Ummm...no.  Sorry.

Icky Dude : Mmmmm, mmmmm!!! *bites his bottom lip*  DAMN.  Girl, you gotta man?

Me (walking away again) : Yes....I'm married.  Sorry!

 --------------------

Ok. Ew.

I suppose I can see someone trying to pick up someone at a store.  Whatever.  BUT!  Not so much in the way he did.  And, um, please take a gander at how was looking at the moment of pickup attempt.  I'd just gotten off of work.  And I smelled bad, to boot.

THIS?  This garnered an "MMMM MMMMM, DAMN!!!" from the guy?  

 

Yo, check it. I'm a hot biotch y'all!

 

Because I'm durrrrrrrrrty!

 

My street-walkin' shoes, yo.

 

My hair does that without wind.  I'm supafly!

 

So I ask...WTF was he thinking?!   "Damn, this girl needs a bath!  I want me summa that!"

*insert rolling eyes here*

Posted by Chase at 04:20 PM | | Comments (30)


This!! Is!! Jeopardy!!

**UPDATE**

All of them have been correctly identified!! Congrats, people - welcome to Loserville with me!  Updated with the answers. 

After having a recent dream about Cher and Suebob (don't ask), I realized that I know more about you bloggy people's day-to-day lives than I do most of my "real life" friends.  After realizing that, I realized that's just nuts.  After realizing that, I realized that I had to pee, so I went pee, then I realized that I bet I'm not the only one who knows the doings of each and every freaking human on the blogosphere.

So I thought we'd play a game to see who else spends WAY too much time on here.  I'll give you the answers...you give me the question (no Googling!).  The one who gets the most wins...uhm....nothing.  But you'll probably get a little pity because you're as big of a loser as I am.  And that just sucks for you.

Let's play Jeopardy!!

 

1) This mega blogger has a husband who loathes pickles but recently ate one to help benefit Multiple Sclerosis. Oh, and he might have done a 26 mile marathon thing for it, too.  ANSWER

2) This lady is currently travelling the world on her extended honeymoon. I don't know for sure how many countries they've been in now, but I'd put money that they've been rockclimbing in each one! ANSWER

3) This funny blogger dude has webbed toes (for reals!), recently got vomited on by his little girl (for gross!), and is married to Hot Wife. ANSWER

4) This dog (yes, I want the name of the dog) is infamous for being able to balance useless crap on his head.  He's actually so famous now, he has his own calendar spread. Egads!  ANSWER

5) This beautiful blogger is neighbors with Cinderella!  (The band, not the step-sister.) ANSWER

6) This blogger of all bloggers is totally obsessed with Elizabeth Hurley.  Enough said. ANSWER

7) Owner of a beagle (and therefore an instant love of mine), this red-head blogger just recently moved to Chicago to start anew.  She also takes some of the most beautiful photographs ever.  ANSWER

8) Funny lady, feminist, university instructor, Canadian, mother to Wonderbaby, best hair at Blogher '06.  ANSWER

9) This hot biotch blogger is uber busy planning her wedding right now.  And, she recently went to a party where she got to hang out with Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra.  And she got pics of them together.  And that's why I hate her.  ANSWER

10) This blogger is apparently allergic to walnuts.  Did you see the size of her head?! Yuck. ANSWER

11) This teeny sprite of a blogger (a writer, a lovely writer) is finally PREGNANT!  And the whole of the blogosphere is thrilled for her.  She's a Florida transplant and was one of my smoking buddies at Blogher (I mean...what? Smoking? NO, I don't smoke. Sheesh.)  ANSWER

12) This Chicago-based tv junkie (and I mean he's got it bad, people!) just started a new job. He also recently got majorly hit on by the deli counter chick, who kept giving him free samples.  If it weren't for his wifey, I bet he would have jumped on that, because, really, who can say no to free meat? ANSWER

13) This literacy coach (don't ask) blogger has a taste for coffee!  She also has a taste for booty-smackin' and face-lickin'...but that's another story.  She also went to game 4 of the World Series. Sweet!!  ANSWER

14) This rambling LA-based author-slash-blogger recently had a run-in with a homeless man wanting a hug. For some reason, he didn't give it up.  The rude bastard.  He also sent me an autographed copy of his book.  (Hint: It's about blogs!) So there.  ANSWER

15) PICTURE DAILY DOUBLE!

Name all four of these gorgeous women (by name or by blog):

ANSWER, ANSWER, ANSWER, ANSWER

1
Posted by Chase at 11:41 AM | | Comments (22)


Open Letter To Anyone Throwing A Sales-Pitch Party

Do you want to know how many of these parties I’ve been invited to in the last month? Do you? Too bad, because I’m going to tell you anyway: More than 10. That’s five toy parties, one jewelry party, one “home décor” party, one paint-your-own pottery party, one handbag party, one clothing party, and one skin care/makeup party.

 

Give me a break!

 

 

Even if I wanted any of this stuff, who actually has the time and money to attend all these events? Not me. Look, I want to support my friends, and if this is the career you choose to pursue, then I’ll try to help out. IF you’re selling a product I might consider buying, and IF you actually know me. Please don’t send me an invitation because I’m a friend of a friend of your cousin’s neighbor’s co-worker.

 

 

I can easily see how if you’re a stay-at-home mom, or a retiree, or someone who can’t work due to a disability, this all sounds like an ideal way to pick up some extra cash. But think about who you’re picking up that cash from. It’s usually people just like you.

 

I think that’s what bothers me most about this kind of business. It’s built on the idea of recruiting you to go out and recruit more people to buy from you, or better yet to sell for you. So you’ve got to constantly be on the prowl for new victims. As one promotional website puts it, “go out with the idea of making a million friends instead of a million dollars.” Yeah, right. Trust me, those million people are not your friends. They are probably dreading your next invitation.

 

 

It’s a sweet deal for the people at the top of the pyramid, huh? They have no overhead, because their salespeople (and their friends) are offering up their own living rooms as the selling floor. They don’t have to recruit new reps, because their salespeople do that for them too. That same promotional site also says, “Do you enjoy sales? If not, that's great, because you don't have to be a salesperson in order to succeed. This is a business of sharing information, and there are great tools that'll help you present the products/services and business to your candidates. All you do is work with those who are interested.” What a load of crap! You’re not working with “those who are interested”—you’re working with those who are too nice to say no.

 

 

As for me: No more Ms. Nice Girl. Instead of shopping in your home, I’ll shop in my own—online.

 

 

--------------------------------------------- 

 

 

This post was written by the lovely Mayberry Mom, who lives, works, and writes from the wholesome upper Midwest, and has yet to be invited to a sex toy party.  You can find me hanging out over at her place today, so click through her site to read my "Open Letter To You Trick-Or-Treaters".

 

 

This post is part of the mostest greatest blog exchange evar. If you want to find out more, or in order to read all this month's entries, click the pic!

 

Posted by Chase at 07:40 AM | | Comments (16)