10. Getting to climb into the passenger seat and yell, "Moxie GET! OUT! OF! THAT!" about once every 2.7 miles.

9. Getting to see 250 miles of Oklahoma's trees dirt trees & dirt natural beauty.

7. Singing loudly.  And very, very poorly.

6. Nearly 5 hours of uninterrupted, anonymous nose-picking.

5. Just throwing the throttle open and letting the ol' Ford Taurus purr. Heh.

3. Not having to blame it on the dog.

2.The entire bag of beef jerky to yourself - need I say more?

1. Ain't NOBODY telling me to slow down, dammit! Well, except maybe for that cop.

I got my official "Welcome to Texas" package in the mail today from the City of Frisco.

In it was a glossy of George W. Bush giving a thumbs up (autographed in red crayola 'To My Best Buddey! Welcome To Texsis!'), a $5 gift certificate to The Rootin' Tootin' Rib Joint, and a bumper sticker that says "Democrat : The Other White Meat".

They included a welcome letter and a checklist for new residents.  I thought I'd share the list so we can start marking things off mine.

Things To Do While You're Here:

• Register your vehicle with the Department of Transportation (big pickups and tractors only)
• Register to vote (pickin' that sissy blue color? We know where you live, you liberal bitch)
• Attend the mandatory weekly hoedown (bolo ties required)
• Ladies, get fake, over-sized breasts...Gents, get TruckNutz for your pickup
• Pretend you're better than everyone else because your state is sooooo big (everything's bigger in Texas! Including you a-holes!)
• Practice shouting 'YEEEHHAWWWW' and spitting long distances

Items to Purchase For Your Stay:

• A pickup (if you already own a pickup, please purchase a larger pickup)
• Cows, horses, and chickens (and at least one sheep per male in your household)
• More guns - enough to fill at least 5 per gun rack
• Aquanet, economy sized, in cases
• Hats, boots, and jeans that are so tight you can see the dimples on your ass
• A Jesus fish car magnet for each member of your family (state law says there should be at least 6 per vechicle)
• Condoms (we only want REAL Texans breeding here, lefty)

Hmmmm.  Seems as though I have quite a ways to go yet.  I guess I'll go practice on my spitting.

So. Yeah. I forgot to tell you all that I went to church last Sunday.

No, no, you didn't misread that.  I went to church.  Me, Heathen McSinner.  And I didn't burst into flame like I thought I would have (and probably should have).  I went with J, my uber Christian hotty, my tango dancin' lovah, the apple of my eye.

He said if I went to church with him, he'd go to the local Buddhist temple with me.  Or maybe the new Hindu one.  Boy, is he gonna regret agreeing to that.  Suckerrrrr.

The church was all right, actually.  It was one of those places that cater to the 20- and 30-something hip crowds.  They had a rock-n-roll band during praise & worship (guitars, drums, torn jeans, pink-haired singers).  The pastor was a youngin'...said he graduated in 1998.  Hell, by 1998 I had already been addicted to and recovered from a plethora of drugs.

Did I get saved?  Uhmm...no.  Am I a born-again believer?  No'sir.  But did I shake my booty to the hoppin' Jesus music?  Hells yeah, yo!

It was good, clean fun.  And I don't even think I said "fuck" for the rest of the day!  Maybe I DO have a chance at salvation afterall.

*snort*

By the way, God is totally paying me back for my flippant church-experience yammering.  I just moved to Texas...where the state flower is SUNSHINEY HAPPINESS!!!....where, when I got here, it was 65 degrees and I made fun of all my friends because those losers weren't in one of the WARM states like I was. 

Today?  Mmmhmmm....yeah.  Fifteen degree wind chill. 

WTF, Jesus?

Well, I ALMOST made it to Texas.

I got up early this morning, all fired-up and in the mood to stick anything that would sit still into the last of the cardboard boxes.  I had the last tidbits piled next to the door...my toothbrush packed nicely away, my clean laundry folded and ready for their first trip to their New Closet.

(Quick note to self : buy hangers because you've got NONE.)

(Quick P.S. to self : what the hell happened to all my old hangers??)

I made what was the last trip to the Old House to pick up a few things from the garage, and with the very first thing I loaded up, my pressure washer, I stood up crooked, or too fast, too furious, or something...and totally blew out my back. 

Aaaaand that's where I dropped to the ground and stopped being able to walk.  Right there in the driveway with NOTHING LOADED. 

Ahhh, welcome back old injury.  How I've missed thee.

But, lo!  That did not stop me!  I ran hobbled to U-Haul and got myself a truck and trailer.  Then I begged a couple of strong, virile gents to load my U-Haul for me while I coached them got in their way and was really helpful asked annoying questions and handed them the same single sofa cushion 14 times because 'JUST WAIT UNTIL WE FIND A PLACE FOR IT AND GET OUT OF OUR WAY FOR THE LOVE. OF. GOD. WOMAN!!!'

And then I took approximately 4,812 Tylenol and whined because I still couldn't walk.

So now I'm laying down and resting my back like I should be here at J's house still, sitting crookedly in this computer chair and blogging about WOE IS ME.

Tomorrow!  For what seems like the 37th time, I'll say TOMORROW I'm leaving for Texas.  For good.  And for reals.

I just hope Bubba has some good muscle relaxers.